Hide and Kill
by Random Guise
Summary: Inspector Jacques Clouseau gained a lot of notoriety after the case of the Pink Panther. A man in such a position needs help to keep up his abode and, occasionally, try to kill him. Enter Cato Fong. I don't own these characters, and the only person trying to kill me is me.


**A/N: This story takes place between the original "Pink Panther" movie (1963) and "A Shot in the Dark" (1964).**

* * *

Hide and Kill

Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the French Sûreté looked up from the paper he was holding in his hand to look at the next candidate for the trusted position of manservant. Standing on the other side of the desk, the applicant seemed eager for the position as he stood in a posture of alertness. Clouseau appreciated such an attitude, but would not accept it at face value.

"Name?" Clouseau asked.

"Cato Fong."

"Last name?"

Cato hesitated. "Fong."

"Cato Fong Fong...an unusual double concatenation of middle and last names I have not encountered before."

"No, my..."

"I am a student of names you see; much can be learned from them if you simply put your mind to it. So Mr. Fong Fong, your resume says you are new to Paris. Where did you arrive from?"

"London. My previous employer no longer had need of my services."

"Oh, really? And why was that?"

"He died."

"I see. So you came from nodnoL..."

"London. You are holding the paper backwards."

Clouseau turned it around quickly. "Of course I was! It was a test, one which you passed admirably I must say. I rely on my powers of observation and keen wit; I expect the same from my employees. So Mr. Wong Wong..."

"Fong, not Wong" Cato corrected.

"Of course Fong is not wrong, it's your name! Don't try to trip me up my friend, I know what I'm doing." Clouseau cleared his throat. "Now what was I doing" he muttered almost but not quite under his breath. "Oh yes, you worked in London for a dead man. Can I call him to corroborate that?"

Cato stared. "No. He is...unavailable."

"Traveling abroad, eh? I won't count it against you, there's nothing like traveling abroad to make you truly appreciate life. I take it you will not return to his employ sometime in the future?"

"Eh, I don't believe so."

Well Mr. Fong Wong, everything seems to be in order. But I do have a special requirement for this position that we have not yet discussed because of its unusual nature. I require that my manservant try to kill me."

"Okay." With a rapid reflex Cato reached across the desk and immediately tried to strangle Clouseau, who struggled to push back from the desk with his feet, reared back in his chair and pulled the applicant over the desk. Both landed in a heap on the floor, where Cato rolled off to one side.

"Not now!" Clouseau shouted, scrambling up and banging his shin on his chair. While he rubbed it, he explained. "As a police inspector, I am subjected to constant danger and it is very important that I keep my reflexes and sense of danger finely tuned you see; Commissioner Dreyfus demands the best of his officers. If you are hired then your job, apart from your normal duties, would be to occasionally attack me when I least expect it. Would you find this acceptable?"

"I will do my best to kill you" Cato said as he straightened his clothes and returned to standing in front of the desk.

"That is the spirit I like to hear. Yes, very good. Sign here and you are hired; you certainly are to be congratulated." He picked up a contract off the floor, slid it forward on the desk and laid a pen on top of the paper. As Cato bent over the paper and signed his name, Clouseau reflected on how grateful he was that the distasteful process of hiring a person was now over. Cato finished signing the last line with a flourish, and Clouseau immediately delivered a Karate chop to the back of his neck before he could rise, knocking him out. "Very good work, my friend. I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful training opportunity."

...

Clouseau walked out of the front door of work and crossed the street to the park, where he waited to be picked up by Cato. He bent to pick a flower growing beside the water, but halted when he saw the "DO NOT PICK THE FLOWERS" sign. Nodding at the directive, he backed away as though he hadn't intended on transgressing the order, not noticing that he was flattening several other flowers in the process. He turned upon hearing a roaring sound approaching, only to see his own car bearing down on him. He dove to one side as the automobile careened past him and into the pond.

Cato staggered out of the driver's seat with a splash and slogged his way to shore, standing before his boss in a rapidly increasing pool of muddy water at his feet.

"Cato you fool, do you not remember the rule where you only try to kill me at home?"

"There is no such rule."

"There is now. You may only kill me at home. Now go retrieve my automobile, it is time to leave." When Cato turned and started to carefully make his toward the vehicle by stepping slowly in the shallow water, Clouseau pushed him in the posterior with his foot and propelled him with great force into the pond face first. "But that does not mean I can't" he said as he turned to climb up. He stepped in the muddy puddle left behind by Cato and somersaulted into the pond to join his employee.

...

Sorting through his mail, Clouseau walked down the hall and stopped at his front door. He still received offers of marriage from women who thought he was the Phantom jewel thief; it was flattering but misplaced affection. Turning the key, he opened his front door and beheld Cato across the room holding a bow with an arrow nocked and ready to fire. He dove to the floor and waited but heard nothing; peeking up, he saw Cato still poised to fire.

"Cato, why didn't you fire?"

"Rules, boss. Until you cross the threshold you are not 'home'. Am I incorrect?"

"No my friend, that is very good" Clouseau said as he stood. "Yes, very good indeed. So if I had just put one foot inside..." he said as he set his foot upon the entry rug. Cato let loose the arrow.

"Your aim is off my friend" Clouseau said as he observed his hat pinned against the opposite wall of the hallway from his crouched position. "Please retrieve my hat."

Cato obliged, crossed the hallway and started working the arrow loose from the wall. With a mighty effort he freed the arrow which tossed his body backwards. His elbow jabbed backwards and caught Clouseau in the solar plexus, doubling him up into a crumpled heap on the floor. Cato picked up his boss's hat and dusted around the new hole before extending it to the inspector.

"Thank you" he said weakly as he feebly told hold of the hat. "Cato, I think it's time for another rule."

The End

* * *

**A/N: Cato appeared in the second Pink Panther movie already involved in their "Hide and Kill" game, but there had to be a beginning to the gag prior to that.**


End file.
